Kid's on Stage: School Performance Day

In Japan the school year starts in April and ends in March. Little Man started school in January, mostly because of the move, so technically he just finished his first year of school. And like most schools, Little Man’s pre-school ended the term with a performance and graduation ceremony. Oh yeah, it was as cute as it sounds.

Entertaining herself while we wait for the show.

Little Man has been practicing since January. Every day we would talk about the song he would sing, My Bonnie, and his role as a rat in the school production of The Pied Piper. By the way, if you have never seen a bunch of 3-5 year olds perform this little play, you really should. Lots of twirling and a little nose picking. But he was excited and we were excited too. We all got cleaned up (yes, I did blow dry my hair) and drove down to the town hall arriving on time at 9am. We kissed Tyler goodbye and sent him on his way. But there was an hour and a half to kill…in an area we didn’t know…with a two year old. Thank God for tablets. I know, I know, there are people who swear they won’t let their kids play with expensive electronics. But hear me out: it was free and all she did was draw and play Angry Birds. We made it through the entire hour and a half without a tear or a wine. It was beautiful.

The moment he spotted us in the audience.

Finally, the show started at 10:30. We quickly found our seats pulled out our recording equipment and readied ourselves for the joy of a children’s performance. Little Man didn’t walk on the stage until the fourth song in. Tentatively he stepped on the stage, scanning the audience with a cautious look. Before dropping him off he said he was nervous so I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. But then he saw us. His little face lit up, he waved, gave us the thumbs up and sang his little heart out. Baby Girl was so happy to see her big brother that she clapped and smiled for him throughout the show. Each time he would leave the stage she would ask where he went, finally concluding that he must have had to go poop. I was as cheesy as you’d expect. I know I must have looked absolutely insane with the giant grin on my face. But I was so impressed that he did his job and did it well if I do say so myself. I had the same reaction when I saw him scurry around the stage pretending to eat a cardboard fish and again when he sat on the floor of the stage singing about rainbows. I just couldn’t help myself.

A stunning performance of "My Bonnie"

Dressed as a rat for the play singing in the finale. 

 And then the graduation ceremony happened. Two little girls were leaving the pre-school to attend first grade. They sat in their little caps and gowns while a teacher tearfully gave her graduation speech. Each one said a couple of short sentences about what they dream for their futures. They handed roses to their respective parents. And that’s about when the water works started. I went from silly glee to a hot emotional mess in about 5 seconds. I did a pretty good job of hiding my tears but while I have never met either of these girls and I felt like I was going to miss them. Once again I was reminded how short this all is.

Cuddling with daddy. She was done before the show was. 

 We ended the special day with a delicious BK lunch, or as Little Man calls it, Booger Games. Baby Girl discussed the difference between a boy and a girl using the proper names for body parts while scarfing down her french fries. Some days I’m not sure how we handle the array of emotions we feel in one single day.

I have a friend who’s son will be starting at my son’s school three weeks from now. We talked about her fears, her sadness and feelings of loss. I shared my experience with her when Little Man started school, which was basically identical to what she is going through. This performance day was yet another reminder of the passage of time. And as my sweet Baby Girl was curled up in her daddy’s arms, I had to come to terms with the fact that she will start school soon too. But I am okay with it. I was so proud of both of my children today. Little Man performed his heart out and Baby Girl handled herself beautifully for the three hours we were out and about. I’m looking forward to the next step for both of my bebes.

In Memoriam: Nap Time

You Talk Too Much...About Adoption

A friend once told me I talk about adoption too much. Now, before you get all mad on my behalf, she wasn’t wrong. I had been talking a lot about adoption. To be fair I am also asked a ton of questions, something that I have come to expect when a new person I encounter discovers we are an adoptive family. In this particular case I could see that the new person was desperately trying to avoid asking questions. You know the moment I’m talking about; when you can see on someone’s face that they have more to say but are afraid of being rude or inappropriate. I decided to spare the new person her agony and brought the subject up myself freeing her to ask her questions. Allowing the conversation to happen made it possible for us all to wrap it up quickly and enjoy the rest of our morning.

Just so you know, I don’t mind answering questions about adoption and what it means to me. The best advice I had received during our home study process was to understand that, whether we wanted it or not, acting as a teacher was going to be a part of our new lives. So I began to treat each conversation about my family as a teachable moment. I thought I would take a moment and answer a few questions now that I hear most often. Some of them are appropriate and some are not, but I thought I’d share my standard responses.

Why did you adopt?

How a couple chooses to build a family is a personal choice. I have mentioned previously that we had issues with pregnancies. In three years, I had four miscarriages due to an unidentified issue likely caused by an antibody (at least that’s the theory). We had many options available to us. We could have chosen to continue tests and tried to create a viable pregnancy. We could have chosen to use a surrogate (I had a couple of wonderful people in my life including my younger sister offer their uteruses for rent). And the final choice was adoption. Frankly, our goal was to have children; the means didn’t matter. Pregnancy was a way of reaching that goal but it wasn’t something that either of us felt so strongly about that we needed to keep putting me body through sometimes painful often heart wrenching process.  Adoption just seemed like the right choice for us.

enjoying doughnuts like a regular family

Can you have your own kids? Do you want your own kids?

This is one of those inappropriate, or at the very least, ignorant questions I was talking about. As witnessed this weekend by the scores of Japanese seeing my daughter’s very public breakdown, I do in fact have my own kids. They are loud and crazy and wonderful. And they are mine. The real question is do we ever wish we had bio kids; to that the answer is a firm no. I love my bebes. They are the exact children we were meant to have. It is impossible for me to love any child more than I live these two. This question is usually followed by some statement about how you never know what could happen (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And to that the answer is, birth control. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I do know.

How much did you pay? Was it expensive?

This question can be either inappropriate or appropriate depending on the motives behind the conversation. Usually, my standard answer to how much did you pay is, “a lot.” Unless the person is looking into adoption and needs to know for planning purposes, I try to avoid the details of our finances. There are grants and loans people sometimes get in order to pay for expenses and tax credits after the finalization that one can apply for, but just know, the cost is entirely dependent on what type of adoption is chosen (didn’t know there was more than one, did you?)

Was the process hard?

The process was bureaucratic and emotional. Each time we thought we finished something there was more paperwork to do. We took hours of parenting and adoption classes. We had to open our lives to scrutiny and sit with a social worker before during and after placement. We got our hopes up and were let down several times and even had an adoption fall through at the very last minute. It tested us and our relationship but we ended up with our wonderful kiddo’s so it was totally worth it. 

Was it hard to learn how to do your daughters hair?

So, when we started the home study process the first time I had a fabulous and beautiful manager who was an African-America woman. When she learned that we were open to multi-racial adoption her only comment was, “please just make sure that if you have a little black girl, you give her good hair.” It wasn’t until we brought Baby Girl home that we both really started to appreciate the pressure put on AA women when it comes to beauty. One eye opener was Chris Rocks movie called Good Hair , something I think everyone should take time to watch.  The answer to was it difficult to learn how to take care of Baby Girls hair is no. I like playing with and styling hair so it wasn’t hard for me. The more important thing to focus on is how am I going to teach my daughter to love herself and feel that she is beautiful? So far she knows she is beautiful and I hope she can hold onto that knowledge through her adolescences.

See, not imaginary; very real child. 

Why did their birth parents give them up?

This is the only question that I feel a little uncomfortable answering. Let me first explain that none of my children’s birth parents gave them up; that would imply that the decision to choose adoption was not based in love. Their motives were personal and something I know each of them struggled to come to terms with. I cannot speak for others, and I wouldn’t even want to if I could. This is a private conversation between my children and their respective birth parents to have one day.  All I can do is wish them well and thank them every day.

To be clear, even when I am asked those sometimes off-putting questions, I’m not often offended. Most of the time, people inquire not to be hurtful, but simply because they just don’t understand and want to. I probably do talk about adoption too much, but I don’t think I do it any more than other mothers discuss their children’s’ birth stories (I know more about some of my friends lady bits than I care to). So, if you have a question, feel free to ask. I will give you the best answer I can and try not to talk too much.

My Life as a Military Spouse

I’m not sure who has seen this list of 35 Things that Irritate the Military Spouse on MilitarySpouse.com floating around Facebook but I know I’ve seen it several times. Just so you know, the list is accurate, or at least for me. I can relate to every one of the complaints listed in some form or fashion. Most of the people I live around understand and can commiserate with me about the lack of available jobs (would you like day care worker or waitress?), the week-long readiness exercises (seeing people in full combat gear and gas masks is totally normal), the close quarters and small community. They understand because, well, they’re all in or married to the military/DOD also. So I thought I’d share a bit about my life as a military spouse.

 

I mean, look at him. You'd give it all up too.

Admit it, you LOVE those jeans. 

I met and started dating my husband nearly 16 years ago. I was a teenager with plans on moving to NYC to spend my life on the stage. I had no intention of ever getting married or having kids. I was busy having fun and enjoying my youth. But I loved him and my life changed directions. We were married 11 years ago this May. Since we married we have dealt with a year apart while he did a “hardship” tour in Korea. Did I mention this was our first year of marriage? The military is known for not caring about that too much. Before he came home, I had to move all of our belongings to SC with the help of a couple of close friends, my mother in law and my mom. Did I mention that was my 25^th birthday?  My mom and I celebrated by eating gross Knights Inn sushi and unpacking boxes. Within a few days I was alone.

 

Our Wedding Day

Our second year of marriage was hard. We had spent a year living separately and had to get used to each other again and our new home while I worked a crap retail job and went to school. I worked another crap retail job until I was able to find a job in a call center thanks to a friend. We started trying to have a family when we discovered that I simply could not carry a pregnancy passed the 10^th week. Dealing with Tricare, miscarriages and tests is enough to make a girl want to drink and eat lots of pizza. Ah, but in the middle of all the health issues we still had to deal with the yearly season long trip to Afghanistan and Iraq. 

 

Climbing a Tower

At the end of our four years in SC in 2008, we knew we had to make a decision about our family. David volunteered for a travel job in D.C. so that we could live in a place for long enough to go through the adoption process. Once again, here we were in a new place (ok, so it was kind of cheating since we lived there before South Carolina, but still), dealing with David traveling for 1-2 weeks a month, me trying to find gainful employment, giving every extra penny we had to the adoption fund. Plans and appointments constantly had to be changed putting off the process over and over again. It was 2010 when we brought Little Man home. Then life got complicated. Travel is easy to deal with when you don’t have children or at the very least, have family to help you when you need an extra hand. Work for me became an impossibility. He enlisted and couldn’t change his job. Mine was at minimum a 2 hour commute every day. Something had to give and it ended up being my career.

 

First family photo

We decided we wanted to add to the brood so we went through the process of adopting a second child. David was a year away from completing 4 years letting us move on from the constant travel but we decided to extend in the job for another year so we could have time to be connected with baby number two. That was October of 2011; Baby Girl came home in December. But by then it was too late to cancel the extension. So we waited out our time in Maryland, making friends, going on play dates, dealing with the travel.

First photo as a family of four. Little Man was thrilled. 

And just when life felt normal and we had a support network, just when we liked our healthcare providers and the kids and I had made some close friendships, we moved to the other side of the world. We started over 6 months ago. Life is starting to feel normal for the most part. We are making new friends, Little Man is going to school, and we have a lovely little routine. Life is about to toss us another curve ball soon. David's job will change again, to what I have no idea, and I'm ok with that. 

 

Wouldn't have it any other way

Military life has offered us so many wonderful adventures, but it’s not easy. I knew going in that it wouldn’t be. Some days I’m fine with handing many of my choices over because I made that commitment when I married the love of my life. Some days I feel stifled and stuck. But if I had to do it again, I would.