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| Me with co-workers a few years ago. I have on lipstick! |
My last job outside of the home was about 2 years ago. I
left it when my son was 11 months old. I had planned for a while to stay home
with our children before even having them but the cost of adoption made it so I
had to stay in the work force a little bit longer. I loved my job, and was
pretty good at it too. But I missed my son every moment I was away from him. I
would daydream between meetings of standing in my kitchen making beautiful
meals, hair blow dried and quaffed , clothes perfectly matched, while my son
would play quietly. I dreamed of a house that was always clean and tidy and
perfect for the cover of BH&G, making time for exercise, crafts and home
school. I honestly saw myself as the modern day Donna Reed. I figured, lesser
people were good at it, so I would be too.
It only took a few weeks for reality to set in. I was home,
alone, with my Little Man. All Day. My husband traveled regularly so there were
weeks when it was me without any family around to ask for help. Working meant I
didn’t spend a ton of time making other mommy friends so I knew no one. Little
Man was an early walker and very adventurous which meant there was no sitting
and playing quietly. He has always wanted all of the attention focused on him
so cooking, cleaning and crafting had to be done either while he was screaming
or sleeping. Workouts happened as long as I am
alert at 5am. I very quickly went
from work attire to my mom uniform of jeans + top + boots/flats (footwear
directly related to the season). My hair lived in a ponytail or top knot. It’s
safe to say that my image of what stay-at-home mommy-hood would be and what
reality was weren’t perfectly lining up.  |
| entertain kids with selfies. |
But eventually we got into a grove and started thinking
about baby number two. You would think adoption would take the spontaneity out
of building a family, but not for us. We assumed that a second adoption would
take a year at the very least but it was only two months of waiting when we
brought Baby Girl home. Once again, I imagined I would be carrying baby around
as my son strolled his way into toddlerhood. Once again, perception and reality
didn’t match. And I began to day dream of work. I know I work, but I mean work. The kind that required me to get
dressed and be important and have adult conversations. I also missed my
paycheck. I missed having disposable income and felt somehow that my role in
the family was lessened because I wasn’t contributing financially.
This job is hard. I can’t take a smoke break (quit) or a
lunch break (have to feed kids first) and my adult conversation usually comes
in the form of Real Housewives (no judging please). But when I reminisce about
work I also have to remember that my commute was 2-3 hours every day, I only
saw my son for an hour in the morning and on the weekends, I was too tired to
do anything other than sleep or curl up on the sofa. So what my house is
imperfect. I get to cuddle my babies. So what my hair isn’t always done. I get
to be there when my son proudly announces that he remembered to go to the potty
instead of having an accident. I also get to watch my Baby Girl develop a
sassy, funny personality. These are things I would miss if I went back to work.
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| dyeing eggs one handed while holding a baby. work it! |
For now, working is unlikely, simply because of our current
living situation. Not speaking the local language seems to effect job
prospects. I know I’ll go back one day, probably when my kids are in school
full time. But even with the daydreams of the corporate world come creeping
back so do the feelings of loss when thinking of leaving my babies. Being a
stay-at-home mom is hard, but so is being a working-mom. Being a mom is hard.
All I can do is try my best and make sure to add to the therapy fund once in a
while.
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