Social Media: A Love Letter

I hear lots of complaints about social media.  We are too connected.  We are all dependent upon our gadgets and over-share our lives.  We are missing the world around us.  We are disengaging from reality.  And this might be true for some people.  I too feel there are times when it’s just a little much and want to disconnect.  But let me take a moment to explain what social media has given me.

Recently a friend from back home left Facebook unexpectedly.  I discovered it when I tried to send her a message lamenting my sudden feeling of homesickness.  I had a dream the night before about being on the East Coast with all of my favorite people, eating crab cakes and hush puppies.  I woke up to my typical weekday routine of rushing around getting kids ready for school while my husband disappeared to work.  I pulled up my Facebook only to discover she was not there, causing a moment of distress so intense I started to cry.  It was the same despair I felt when I lost my photo album full of my childhood pictures.  Now, just so you know, I have her email and phone number so it’s not like she was lost to me forever and I am a cry baby.  I contacted her almost immediately to find out if she was ok and continued our conversation like nothing had changed (I can’t quit you!).  But in that exact moment I was overcome with sadness.  I was heartbroken.  It wasn’t until later in the day when I finally figured out why I was so upset.

I am the product of many moves around the country and now the world.  I have lived in New York, Alaska, California, Hawaii, Maryland, South Carolina and Japan.  I have loved ones in all of those places plus many, many more.  I love the life I have been fortunate enough to live.  But creating and fostering relationships only to have to leave them every three to four years is hard.  It’s only now that I have social media I can still feel connected to all of the wonderful people I have known in my life.  Losing one of them, even if I didn’t really lose her, reminded me of what it feels like to have to sever ties with my support network just to have to create a new one.  I discovered how truly dependent I am on social media to connect me to my family and friends.  I’m not on Facebook 24/7.  I don’t feel like it takes the place of real relationships and I make sure to enjoy my kids (well, most of the time; a mamma needs to disconnect from them too sometimes).  Social media has given me a connection to my past.  I have found people who I loved and lost due to distance and time.  What’s better is I even still like most of them.

So, here’s my love letter to social media.  Thank you, Facebook, for letting me watch my single friends celebrate their lives in fun crazy ways.  Thank you for allowing me the chance to experience  my nieces and nephews growing up even though I’m far away.  Thank you for showing me what’s happening in everyone’s daily lives.  Thank you for helping me plan parties and trash talk trashy T.V. and take silly quizzes about what sort of cookie I am (snickerdoodle) and share the moments of my life too.  Thank you for making me feel a little less far away.

Kid's on Stage: School Performance Day

In Japan the school year starts in April and ends in March. Little Man started school in January, mostly because of the move, so technically he just finished his first year of school. And like most schools, Little Man’s pre-school ended the term with a performance and graduation ceremony. Oh yeah, it was as cute as it sounds.

Entertaining herself while we wait for the show.

Little Man has been practicing since January. Every day we would talk about the song he would sing, My Bonnie, and his role as a rat in the school production of The Pied Piper. By the way, if you have never seen a bunch of 3-5 year olds perform this little play, you really should. Lots of twirling and a little nose picking. But he was excited and we were excited too. We all got cleaned up (yes, I did blow dry my hair) and drove down to the town hall arriving on time at 9am. We kissed Tyler goodbye and sent him on his way. But there was an hour and a half to kill…in an area we didn’t know…with a two year old. Thank God for tablets. I know, I know, there are people who swear they won’t let their kids play with expensive electronics. But hear me out: it was free and all she did was draw and play Angry Birds. We made it through the entire hour and a half without a tear or a wine. It was beautiful.

The moment he spotted us in the audience.

Finally, the show started at 10:30. We quickly found our seats pulled out our recording equipment and readied ourselves for the joy of a children’s performance. Little Man didn’t walk on the stage until the fourth song in. Tentatively he stepped on the stage, scanning the audience with a cautious look. Before dropping him off he said he was nervous so I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. But then he saw us. His little face lit up, he waved, gave us the thumbs up and sang his little heart out. Baby Girl was so happy to see her big brother that she clapped and smiled for him throughout the show. Each time he would leave the stage she would ask where he went, finally concluding that he must have had to go poop. I was as cheesy as you’d expect. I know I must have looked absolutely insane with the giant grin on my face. But I was so impressed that he did his job and did it well if I do say so myself. I had the same reaction when I saw him scurry around the stage pretending to eat a cardboard fish and again when he sat on the floor of the stage singing about rainbows. I just couldn’t help myself.

A stunning performance of "My Bonnie"

Dressed as a rat for the play singing in the finale. 

 And then the graduation ceremony happened. Two little girls were leaving the pre-school to attend first grade. They sat in their little caps and gowns while a teacher tearfully gave her graduation speech. Each one said a couple of short sentences about what they dream for their futures. They handed roses to their respective parents. And that’s about when the water works started. I went from silly glee to a hot emotional mess in about 5 seconds. I did a pretty good job of hiding my tears but while I have never met either of these girls and I felt like I was going to miss them. Once again I was reminded how short this all is.

Cuddling with daddy. She was done before the show was. 

 We ended the special day with a delicious BK lunch, or as Little Man calls it, Booger Games. Baby Girl discussed the difference between a boy and a girl using the proper names for body parts while scarfing down her french fries. Some days I’m not sure how we handle the array of emotions we feel in one single day.

I have a friend who’s son will be starting at my son’s school three weeks from now. We talked about her fears, her sadness and feelings of loss. I shared my experience with her when Little Man started school, which was basically identical to what she is going through. This performance day was yet another reminder of the passage of time. And as my sweet Baby Girl was curled up in her daddy’s arms, I had to come to terms with the fact that she will start school soon too. But I am okay with it. I was so proud of both of my children today. Little Man performed his heart out and Baby Girl handled herself beautifully for the three hours we were out and about. I’m looking forward to the next step for both of my bebes.

In Memoriam: Nap Time

You Talk Too Much...About Adoption

A friend once told me I talk about adoption too much. Now, before you get all mad on my behalf, she wasn’t wrong. I had been talking a lot about adoption. To be fair I am also asked a ton of questions, something that I have come to expect when a new person I encounter discovers we are an adoptive family. In this particular case I could see that the new person was desperately trying to avoid asking questions. You know the moment I’m talking about; when you can see on someone’s face that they have more to say but are afraid of being rude or inappropriate. I decided to spare the new person her agony and brought the subject up myself freeing her to ask her questions. Allowing the conversation to happen made it possible for us all to wrap it up quickly and enjoy the rest of our morning.

Just so you know, I don’t mind answering questions about adoption and what it means to me. The best advice I had received during our home study process was to understand that, whether we wanted it or not, acting as a teacher was going to be a part of our new lives. So I began to treat each conversation about my family as a teachable moment. I thought I would take a moment and answer a few questions now that I hear most often. Some of them are appropriate and some are not, but I thought I’d share my standard responses.

Why did you adopt?

How a couple chooses to build a family is a personal choice. I have mentioned previously that we had issues with pregnancies. In three years, I had four miscarriages due to an unidentified issue likely caused by an antibody (at least that’s the theory). We had many options available to us. We could have chosen to continue tests and tried to create a viable pregnancy. We could have chosen to use a surrogate (I had a couple of wonderful people in my life including my younger sister offer their uteruses for rent). And the final choice was adoption. Frankly, our goal was to have children; the means didn’t matter. Pregnancy was a way of reaching that goal but it wasn’t something that either of us felt so strongly about that we needed to keep putting me body through sometimes painful often heart wrenching process.  Adoption just seemed like the right choice for us.

enjoying doughnuts like a regular family

Can you have your own kids? Do you want your own kids?

This is one of those inappropriate, or at the very least, ignorant questions I was talking about. As witnessed this weekend by the scores of Japanese seeing my daughter’s very public breakdown, I do in fact have my own kids. They are loud and crazy and wonderful. And they are mine. The real question is do we ever wish we had bio kids; to that the answer is a firm no. I love my bebes. They are the exact children we were meant to have. It is impossible for me to love any child more than I live these two. This question is usually followed by some statement about how you never know what could happen (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). And to that the answer is, birth control. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I do know.

How much did you pay? Was it expensive?

This question can be either inappropriate or appropriate depending on the motives behind the conversation. Usually, my standard answer to how much did you pay is, “a lot.” Unless the person is looking into adoption and needs to know for planning purposes, I try to avoid the details of our finances. There are grants and loans people sometimes get in order to pay for expenses and tax credits after the finalization that one can apply for, but just know, the cost is entirely dependent on what type of adoption is chosen (didn’t know there was more than one, did you?)

Was the process hard?

The process was bureaucratic and emotional. Each time we thought we finished something there was more paperwork to do. We took hours of parenting and adoption classes. We had to open our lives to scrutiny and sit with a social worker before during and after placement. We got our hopes up and were let down several times and even had an adoption fall through at the very last minute. It tested us and our relationship but we ended up with our wonderful kiddo’s so it was totally worth it. 

Was it hard to learn how to do your daughters hair?

So, when we started the home study process the first time I had a fabulous and beautiful manager who was an African-America woman. When she learned that we were open to multi-racial adoption her only comment was, “please just make sure that if you have a little black girl, you give her good hair.” It wasn’t until we brought Baby Girl home that we both really started to appreciate the pressure put on AA women when it comes to beauty. One eye opener was Chris Rocks movie called Good Hair , something I think everyone should take time to watch.  The answer to was it difficult to learn how to take care of Baby Girls hair is no. I like playing with and styling hair so it wasn’t hard for me. The more important thing to focus on is how am I going to teach my daughter to love herself and feel that she is beautiful? So far she knows she is beautiful and I hope she can hold onto that knowledge through her adolescences.

See, not imaginary; very real child. 

Why did their birth parents give them up?

This is the only question that I feel a little uncomfortable answering. Let me first explain that none of my children’s birth parents gave them up; that would imply that the decision to choose adoption was not based in love. Their motives were personal and something I know each of them struggled to come to terms with. I cannot speak for others, and I wouldn’t even want to if I could. This is a private conversation between my children and their respective birth parents to have one day.  All I can do is wish them well and thank them every day.

To be clear, even when I am asked those sometimes off-putting questions, I’m not often offended. Most of the time, people inquire not to be hurtful, but simply because they just don’t understand and want to. I probably do talk about adoption too much, but I don’t think I do it any more than other mothers discuss their children’s’ birth stories (I know more about some of my friends lady bits than I care to). So, if you have a question, feel free to ask. I will give you the best answer I can and try not to talk too much.

My Life as a Military Spouse

I’m not sure who has seen this list of 35 Things that Irritate the Military Spouse on MilitarySpouse.com floating around Facebook but I know I’ve seen it several times. Just so you know, the list is accurate, or at least for me. I can relate to every one of the complaints listed in some form or fashion. Most of the people I live around understand and can commiserate with me about the lack of available jobs (would you like day care worker or waitress?), the week-long readiness exercises (seeing people in full combat gear and gas masks is totally normal), the close quarters and small community. They understand because, well, they’re all in or married to the military/DOD also. So I thought I’d share a bit about my life as a military spouse.

 

I mean, look at him. You'd give it all up too.

Admit it, you LOVE those jeans. 

I met and started dating my husband nearly 16 years ago. I was a teenager with plans on moving to NYC to spend my life on the stage. I had no intention of ever getting married or having kids. I was busy having fun and enjoying my youth. But I loved him and my life changed directions. We were married 11 years ago this May. Since we married we have dealt with a year apart while he did a “hardship” tour in Korea. Did I mention this was our first year of marriage? The military is known for not caring about that too much. Before he came home, I had to move all of our belongings to SC with the help of a couple of close friends, my mother in law and my mom. Did I mention that was my 25^th birthday?  My mom and I celebrated by eating gross Knights Inn sushi and unpacking boxes. Within a few days I was alone.

 

Our Wedding Day

Our second year of marriage was hard. We had spent a year living separately and had to get used to each other again and our new home while I worked a crap retail job and went to school. I worked another crap retail job until I was able to find a job in a call center thanks to a friend. We started trying to have a family when we discovered that I simply could not carry a pregnancy passed the 10^th week. Dealing with Tricare, miscarriages and tests is enough to make a girl want to drink and eat lots of pizza. Ah, but in the middle of all the health issues we still had to deal with the yearly season long trip to Afghanistan and Iraq. 

 

Climbing a Tower

At the end of our four years in SC in 2008, we knew we had to make a decision about our family. David volunteered for a travel job in D.C. so that we could live in a place for long enough to go through the adoption process. Once again, here we were in a new place (ok, so it was kind of cheating since we lived there before South Carolina, but still), dealing with David traveling for 1-2 weeks a month, me trying to find gainful employment, giving every extra penny we had to the adoption fund. Plans and appointments constantly had to be changed putting off the process over and over again. It was 2010 when we brought Little Man home. Then life got complicated. Travel is easy to deal with when you don’t have children or at the very least, have family to help you when you need an extra hand. Work for me became an impossibility. He enlisted and couldn’t change his job. Mine was at minimum a 2 hour commute every day. Something had to give and it ended up being my career.

 

First family photo

We decided we wanted to add to the brood so we went through the process of adopting a second child. David was a year away from completing 4 years letting us move on from the constant travel but we decided to extend in the job for another year so we could have time to be connected with baby number two. That was October of 2011; Baby Girl came home in December. But by then it was too late to cancel the extension. So we waited out our time in Maryland, making friends, going on play dates, dealing with the travel.

First photo as a family of four. Little Man was thrilled. 

And just when life felt normal and we had a support network, just when we liked our healthcare providers and the kids and I had made some close friendships, we moved to the other side of the world. We started over 6 months ago. Life is starting to feel normal for the most part. We are making new friends, Little Man is going to school, and we have a lovely little routine. Life is about to toss us another curve ball soon. David's job will change again, to what I have no idea, and I'm ok with that. 

 

Wouldn't have it any other way

Military life has offered us so many wonderful adventures, but it’s not easy. I knew going in that it wouldn’t be. Some days I’m fine with handing many of my choices over because I made that commitment when I married the love of my life. Some days I feel stifled and stuck. But if I had to do it again, I would.

The Case of the Disappearing Blogger: The Month that Got Away

Man, life moves quickly. Here we were at the beginning of January preparing for more change and then suddenly it’s nearing the end of February and I suddenly remembered I haven’t posted a blog in FOREVER. You ever have times like that in your life? Out of the blue a month is gone and you don’t know where it went? Happens to me a lot. But I think I remember a few things…

Studying in his man-corner

home with one of the many colds he caught over the last month

Little Man started school. So did my husband. One is in pre-school and the other is finishing his MBA. Did I mention this was in the same week? Ok, so Little Man’s take home work is mostly coloring and practicing his songs while the Hubs has a couple of hours of reading and test taking each night, but change is change.  Little Man was fine one week then the next refused to walk into the classroom and then the next was fine again. Same with the weekly dance class he’s attending (he likes to shake his booty booty, as he will tell you). My husband struggles to find privacy in our small house; a quite place where he can work without hearing children scream or pound on doors. It has taken some time to get accustomed to the new demands on the family, but finally, after a few weeks we are getting used to things.

why eat berries when you can squish them?

Baby Girl is flourishing with all the one on one attention she gets now. It’s funny to see who my children are when they don’t have to compete for attention. She loves to play alone and, as long as all the lotions and creams are out of her reach, I am happy to let her. She is fascinating to watch. She giggles with her toys, alternating between playing tea time and being a dinosaur/princess (that’s a thing, you know). She even went pee in the potty for the very first time today and suddenly a life without diapers flashed before my eyes. Who knew you could be simultaneously happy and sad about something like diapers?

Fanny and Manny

During all of this change, I threw in my participation in the base dinner theater production, Fanny and Manny Tie the Knot. I played a young unmarried, pregnant woman from Miami. Twice a week for five weeks I spent time without kids, without my husband to do something fun and just for me. Theater is a passion that seems impossible to let go of; I was so glad to join such a great group of people and even made a few friends. Sadly, Tokyo was hit with a couple of completely random snow storms in one week causing us to have to cancel two of the show nights. But somehow that made the one night even more special.

Is that a penguin beach ball in you Spanx, or are you just happy to see me?

the morning of what would have been our second performance

Sprinkled throughout the weeks of classes, errands and, well, life, we even made it out of the house for a couple of adventures. On one we drove through the mountains on an ill-fated quest to discover some local limestone caves. The harrowing drive (no seriously, it was nuts how twisty and narrow the roads were) took two hours. We even drove on a road in a tiny village that I’m still not convinced wasn’t a sidewalk. The kids were tired of being in the car, my husband and I were slap happy recovering from the nerves we felt during the drive only to discover the caverns were closed…until March. While Baby Girl was livid that she had to get back into her seat, Little Man was delighted that his bathroom break took place on the portable potty we have sitting on the passenger seat in the front. It’s the little things, people.

this is a two way road. no, seriously. 

 But back to life- I’ll try to keep it short and shallow: a month is gone and I don’t know where most of it went. Trying to make every moment a memory is simply impossible and feels like so much pressure. I see these posts filled with pictures of laughing children warning parents not to take any second for granted but it’s just too much to expect that every moment will be filled with laughter and adventure. Sometimes dinner has to be made and toilets have to be cleaned (you’re welcome for that image).  But I will attempt to write again before Easter. I promise.

in memorium: crock pot, 2006-2014

First Day of School and the Cry Baby Mamma

Today was the first day of pre-school for my 3 year old son. We have been thinking about sending Little Man for a while but before we moved here we assumed he wouldn’t really be able to go until he was 4 or 5 years old. When we arrived we learned about several options for international schools off base. So the discussion became more urgent while we considered when he would start and where he would go.

Most Japanese schools start in April and run year round, but the one we had been considering contacted us saying there was an opening starting in January (3^rd term in Japan). Little Man has been asking to go to school for a while and even potty trained using it as an incentive. It seemed like this was the time to enter this new chapter of his life.

We drove to the school about two weeks ago to get a feel for it and make the final decision. Before entering the classroom Little Man said he was a bit nervous about going in. I reminded him that this was the time to be brave. With that, the four of us removed our shoes and entered his new classroom. Just as we thought, Little Man, and Baby Girl for that matter, quickly made themselves at home. It was the perfect fit.

One of his supplies was an emergency hood along with indoor slipper shoes. 

It wasn’t until that evening when it started to sink in that I will miss him during the day. He’ll only be going 4 days a week but since I left work we have spent very little time apart. These are selfish feelings but ones I have a hard time letting go of. Clearly I want to do what is best for my children, and this feels like the right choice. Little Man gets to spend time learning in a structured classroom, something he has wanted for a while. And I get to spend more one-on-one time with Baby Girl, something I’ve never been able to do. But letting go of my sadness has been hard. Today it was it was Little Man, but soon it will be Baby Girl leaving me. This is the first real step of having to let go of my children and allow them to have lives independent of me.

 Last night as we tucked him in to bed he started to cry. He said he was afraid no one would talk to him and wanted his old best friend to go with him. It took another 2 hours for him to settle in and finally drift off. I was thankful for the darkness in his room; it shielded my tears from him. Even my husband was moved by his pleas to stay home with me. And then like nothing happened he woke up this morning excited to start the day. Our whole family dropped him off. Little Man could barely contain himself when he entered the room and disappeared into a box of dinosaurs barely noticing us leave. At pick up he told me all about his wonderful day while finishing his leftover lunch.

Walking with daddy to the classroom. At least I waited until after drop-off to cry. 

I can’t tell you how thankful I am that Little Man enjoyed his day. Hopefully his love of school continues for at least a few more years. But I am still a little sad for myself. These feelings will go away. My inner control freak will let go at some point. Probably after I’ve shed just a few more tears. I am reminding myself this is the time to be brave, or at least pretend to be. 

Who knew time would pass so quickly. 

The Year of Saying YES!

As with every year, there are two groups of people I come across: those who do make resolutions and those who don’t. I belong to the one that does make resolutions. And just like every year, one of mine is to try and lose weight. But more importantly, is my second resolution. My husband and I are trying to do a joint resolution that has worked for us in the past. We have decided to try and make this a “yes” year. Let me explain.

Ever watch Yes Man? It’s a silly movie based on a book of the same title in which the main character is *spoiler alert* hypnotized into saying yes to everything that comes along. Without being hypnotized we are going to try and do something similar. Last year meant a lot of changes for us. We had issues with taxes concerning our daughter’s adoption, multiple issues with passports not to mention a move to the other side of the planet. There was a lot of pressure to pay bills and do what was responsible rather than do what is fun. This is our M.O. We are constantly choosing the grown up choice. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it can get in the way of living life. For example, my mom and I were once talking about what we would do with an extra $10,000. My mom chose travel and I chose pay on my student loan (it wouldn’t have even paid it off). It didn’t even occur to me that there was another option.

I love new experiences but will almost always choose what is good for others (ie-my husband and kids) before I choose what is good for me. In fact, both my husband and I do this. I am often afraid that when I do something for me I am taking something away from them. This is why having a yes year is so important especially since, at least for the foreseeable future, life is going to be relatively predictable. The move is over, we have paid off our only car payment and the kids are settled into a routine. The student loan is still there, but hopefully will be gone soon and isn’t hurting us at all.

The last time we did the year of yes was after life had become at least a little normal following Little Man’s finalization (the last step in his legal adoption) and ended with saying yes to a sweet four week old baby girl needing a mommy and daddy. It was a great time filled with fun and excitement. We didn’t do anything extravagant; most of the time it was saying yes to parties or new restaurant. It wasn’t about that; it was about actively participating in life.

Having a grand old time.

This year, saying yes will be about embracing our new home and doing whatever we can to enjoy the adventure of it all. We started it on New Year’s Eve by saying yes to a party here on base. We hated it. We left before midnight when the staff took the best part of the event (the food) away. Before going home, we went to the convenience store off base to gather yummy Japanese treats. The hubby and I had more fun there in 20 minutes of goofing off than we did for two hours in a ballroom. Even though it seemed like the night was a bust, I ended up enjoying my sofa, snacks, pj’s  and husband far more than I did sitting at a table with strangers who were also bored. 

Chillin' with my man on NYE. Much better!

The next day we said yes to participating in a Japanese tradition called the Lucky Bag (a bag full of mystery items that local stores sell full of goodies at deep discounts). Each of the kids got one; Little Man ended up with Toy Story toys and Baby Girl got a Minnie back pack with a pillow and art supplies. It was fun to join in this unfamiliar tradition. The moral of the story? Saying yes doesn’t always pan out but it’s better to find out the party sucks than to opt out of trying something new.

Lucky Bags; my new favorite tradition

This brings me back to my first resolution (see how I did that? Thought I forgot about that one didn’t ‘ya?). I want to say yes to my health. I want to say yes to feeling good about my body and having energy without feeling like time working out is time taken away from my children. Look, I may end up weighing the same next December as I do now, although I hope not. I’m no fool. But saying yes isn’t always about the end result, it’s about the journey. I would rather try and fail then never try.  

So, whether you are the type to set a resolution or the type who doesn’t, I wish you nothing but the best in 2014. And I hope you try saying yes once in a while.